The End of My Blog

Yes, that is right, after nearly two years of blogging, my blog is coming to an end. I wanted to finish out 2009 as I plan to publish each year into a book (a journal of events). That is the GOOD news. The BAD news is that I will still have a blog. Ashley and I started a new blog. If you would like the address to the new blog, please e-mail me at khp7579@gmail.com. We ask that everyone keep from linking our blog on their own blog (unless your blog is already private) for now to maintain some privacy. We don't care too much who reads our blog and would love for all of our friends to have it, we just want to maintain SOME privacy. So, thanks for reading all the dribble I have written the last couple of years. If you want to read a good blog, remember that Ashley writing great stuff, will probably offset my bad posts. Happy 2010!

Abscession

My body has had a recent abscession. No, I did not spell obsession incorrectly, I know what I write.......most of the time. Anyway, it seems that I developed an abscess. I was not super thrilled with it, as it has been the most immense pain I have ever felt in my life. Way worse then my recent surgery to get the tonsils and adenoids yanked. Worse then the broken collar bone, and even worse then the discs I have crushed in my back. Yes, this is what real pain feels like. The doctor told me that there was a woman who had given birth without any medicine and she thought this pain was worse. The pain just started on Saturday afternoon and got worse from there. I could barely walk, and sitting and laying has not been that much more comfortable. I had to stay home from church on Sunday because I knew I wouldn't be able to hack it. I went to my doctor (they thankfully have half day urgent care on Sundays) and he gave me some medicine and referred me to a specialist. They got me in on Monday and immediately sent me to the hospital for surgery. Here I make it 30 years without ever even needing more then local anesthesia. I hit thirty and wham, two surgeries in one year. So, by 9PM, I left the hospital and I was already feeling a million times better. The last couple of days have been down right wonderful compared with the two prior. Apparently these abscesses are usually caused by staff infection and develop over months before presenting themselves. I wondered why I needed so much more sleep lately and why I have just been dragging for a couple of months. Now, I think I know why. They gave me two amazingly strong anti-biotics to kill it off while all of it continues to drain out. I am feeling great and I will head back to work tomorrow. The last couple of days at home has at least given me a chance to catch up on my blogging. I totally gave up on NaBloPoMo, but I just couldn't do it this year without a decent computer and and no extra time to speak of. But hey, there is always next year.......as long as some weird abscess doesn't set up permanent residence in my body!!!

Black Friday

I have never before participated in the whole Black Friday thing. A little while ago my laptop seriously melted down (I will never buy a computer with an AMD processor as long as I live). I have been borrowing an old laptop from my parents to get by, but since it is going on seven years, it is having issues as well. I went to all the websites for the sneak peaks at their leaked Black Friday advertisements. I went between three stores in the last week, down to two in the last day, and then finally found what I think was the very best deal. The doors were to open at Office Depot at 6AM, but tickets for items (so as to avoid people being trampled, etc.) could be handed out as early as 5AM. Ashley wanted to come with me to participate in the big event. I was more then happy to have her come along. We left the house at 3:50 and got to Office Depot just before 4AM. We were the 13th people in line. There were only 10 of the particular laptop guaranteed per store. I started asking what everyone was getting. People were really hesitant to tell me, as if I was going to start shooting people who wanted the same thing. Finally people started sharing and I knew I was safe. So we braved the VERY cold morning. Office Depot employees arrived at work, handed out the tickets in an orderly way, and took care of every customer need (not want). By the time the doors actually opened, there were easily 100 people gathered outside. I am now the proud owner of an amazing laptop found at an amazing deal. My only hope is that it lasts for many many years to come. We also made trips to Gymboree and Old Navy afterwards and found some pretty good deals there as well.

Even at 4 in the morning with no sleep to speak of, she is as beautiful as ever.

Crappy Day

A friend emailed this video to me. I have had some pretty crappy days in my life. However, I don't think I have ever had one that compares with this. I am thinking that the only one who wears a white shirt and tie on a construction site is the inspector. It looks like some workers are about to have a pretty crappy day as well.

Listen for the "GOLLY, GOLLY, GOLLY"....who is that, Gomer Pyle?

Across the Street, Around the Globe

DHL: "Across the Street, Around the Globe"

So sure, that is the company marketing slogan, but is it true? On a random day, on a random street (the off-ramp of my work that I literally think I may have traveled on one million times), I put the claim to the test. I noticed the off-ramp especially congested. It seemed the off-ramp had backed up the freeway for over a mile. When I finally got to the bottom of the ramp, I saw the above to be the culprit. Yep, that's right. This truck ain't moving "across the street," therefore, I would imagine it would have a hard time going, "around the globe." They had better retire this barnacle to the bottom of the sea if they want that slogan to stick. I don't claim to be an advertising executive, but I am a thinker.

Backwards and Forwards

I am obviously a huge car person. I think cars are great and I would love to have more time and money to restore older cars. Overall, I think I am an optimist and can find good in almost any situation. Rather than focusing on what I don't have (lots of time and money), I can focus on what I do have. Sure, I am not "restoring" some old antique vehicle, but I am "de-storing" the vehicle I have into a classic antique. Next year, this old girl will be hitting the big 10 year old mark! This post is not merely about my love of cars though. It is about what is showing on the odometer: 155551. Some may wonder why that is significant. Is it because it has 4 fives and two ones? No. It is because the ones are making a "five sandwich"? No. It is because I have agreed to once again participate in NaBloPoMo (national blog post month). Therefore I must come up with 30 posts in thirty days. Accordingly, I thought one of the posts could be the fact that you could read the odometer backwards or forwards and it would still be the same number. Pretty neat, huh? By the way, I don't know what is wrong with my speedometer. I am sure the needle must have just faded out in the sunlight. I am sure I was stopped when I took this picture, and I certainly would NEVER go faster then 65!

Scenery

As I drive around for work, I sometimes get to see some really beautiful scenery. Other times, I get to see, and smell, the back of some 1986 Honda that is blowing blue smoke across six or more lanes of traffic. Here is some of the better scenery, seen through the dinky little lens of my camera phone. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Maybe that is true, but some things are better left viewed then talked about (did that statement just come from me?). In this case, a picture is a big pile of crap compared to the real thing!

Got Milk?

Last night I was sent to the Tooele area to pick up a piece of equipment. More specifically, I was picking up a breast pump machine. This little girl (I would guess to be 7 or so) answered the door. Having previously spoken to the Mother over the phone to confirm, I asked if her parents were home. As she got her Mom, she expressed her concern about me being a doctor and giving her a shot. Come to find out, it was the fact that I was wearing rubber gloves (something we always do, so as to not spread sickness/infection when picking up equipment) that caused her worry. The Mother came down with the case containing the breast pump for me to pick up. The little girl started to protest to her Mother and me. She said, "you can't pick that up, my brother still needs milk!" The Mother tried to explain that they were all done with it. The next thing this girl did about shocked me in to laughter, although I was still able to keep it under control. The little girl reached up and squeezed her Mom's chest several times and said, "you still have milk in there and he needs to eat!!!!......why don't you want to feed him?!!!" The Mother explained that they only needed it because the baby was in the NICU for a few weeks and now that he is home, she would no longer need it. The girl then said, "oohhhhhhhh. okay, I guess you can take it doctor man." Just as I thanked them and was about to leave, the little girl shouted out, "my name is Ingrid and my baby brother's name is Eric." I thanked her again, and drove away, laughing all the way to Salt Lake.

Old Lady in the Elevator

A week or two ago, I was doing a medical set-up. The patient lived in a tall building in downtown Salt Lake. I have been to this building before, and the name has always struck me as really odd. The building is named "The Salt Lake Multi-Ethnic Senior Center." Despite the title being absurdly long, I find the title itself slightly absurd. Despite all the places I have been I have never once been sent to the White Only, Chinese Only, Black Only, Hispanic Only, etc. senior centers. I also have never seen a senior center that has a list of the races they will allow to reside there, and those they won't. I guess since I didn't live in the 60s I have never known the world to be so segregated, as to now need a Senior Center to be labeled "multi-ethnic." I really find the whole thing oddly amusing.

So, the patient buzzed all of my Caucasian ethnic self into the the multi-ethnic senior center. I was not worried about my ethnicity, because I felt all races were welcome there. I was worried that someone would be less accepting of me because I was not a senior though. Despite the title of the building and the bigotry I expected to greet me from angry old women yelling from their wheelchairs, and even angrier men shaking their canes in my direction, things were different. I helped the patient and got him the equipment he needed. I then headed back to the elevator to make the lonesome journey from the tenth floor back to the lobby. To my surprise, the elevator stopped on the fifth floor. A little old woman no more then five feet tall, looked up at me with bright eyes, and said, "Ohhhh my goodness!" as she looked at me like I was a piece of meat. While walking towards me into the elevator, "she said, my aren't you a wonderfully good-looking surprise when the elevator doors open?" She then walked right up and hugged me. She seemed just fine to even rest her head just above my belly button. She held me tight against her the whole way down from the fifth floor to the lobby. At one point on the long journey down, I thought she was going to push the emergency stop on the elevator and try to make out with me. The only thing that calmed my fears is the fact that she would need a step ladder in order for our lips to meet. When we reached the lobby, I said, "okay, this is my stop, I better let you go." She then said, "alright dear, just one last big hug for the road." She then squeezed me even harder for a second, before letting go. I shook my head as I laughed my way all the way back to my sweet mini-van. This was not some care facility, these were just apartments for seniors (obviously of many races!). I thought the whole experience odd, until I realized I had indeed been exposed to their bigotry! No, it wasn't the angry kind that I was expecting, but it was bigotry none the less. I think they should have a sign that says, "young and middle aged people, enter at your own risk." So sure they may not be racists there, but I think we can firmly say that they are ageist, and will treat anyone under 60, who dares to enter, like a piece of meat!

Gearing up for NaBloPoMo

What is NaBloPoMo some may ask? It stands for "National Blog Post Month." I am not an official member of NaBloPoMo, but I like to think I belong still the same. I was introduced to it last year by a friend/fellow blogger. National Blog Post Month takes place in November. The commitment: do one post a day for the thirty days of the month. In the past that has never been a challenge for me, but as of late I have been falling behind in my blogging (which also means I have been falling behind in keeping a journal, since they are mostly one in the same), then playing major catch up. So, I am now gearing up. I have just spent quite a bit of time updating all the past events that I can remember, bringing this thing back up to speed. I am working on my blogging regimen and should be able to once again post 30 posts, in 30 days. I can pretty much guarantee that most people won't find anything more frightening then that this Halloween.

Happy Anniversary????!!!!!

Tonight for our date night, I took Ashley out to a play at the Desert Star Theater. We saw a hilarious play entitled "Snooty and the Beast" (we highly recommend it). It is obviously a parody on Beauty and the Beast, yet has SO much more stuff thrown in. At the end of our show, they also threw in a smaller performance of their own version of "Monster Mash," it too was hilarious. Judging by their titles, all their shows must be this way. This theater is such a fun place. You sit at a table and enjoy dinner as you watch the show. They had the most amazing California Veggie pizza. We definitely stuffed ourselves on it and couldn't believe how great it was. The show was hysterical and we were laughing almost non-stop. Towards the end of the show, and before "Monster Mash" was to start, they started recognizing people who were celebrating their birthday there this evening. As a group, we even sang to all of the birthday people. Next, they wanted to know who was visiting from out of town, or the farthest away. They then (jokingly) wanted to know who had come to the play for their Family Home Evening and what spiritual message they took away from it. All of this was done with a very fun atmosphere. They then asked who was celebrating an anniversary. No one in the audience raised their hand or yelled out. They were so shocked, so they wanted to know who was at least on a date there. Since we were on a date, we yelled out. Suddenly, the guy said, "oh, we do have a couple celebrating their anniversary!!" I looked around, wondering who he was talking about, when the spotlight hit us. I knew it was no use trying to explain his misunderstanding. They asked us to stand and slow dance while they played "Let Me Call You Sweetheart," followed by us having to kiss in front of everyone. We knew that trying to stay seated in a setting such as this would not only be futile, but make us look like cowards as well. The audience urged us on in what they thought was our responsibility. We stood and danced to the music, looking at each other and laughing the whole time and me knowing then and there that I would be creating a special blog post for this occasion. At the end of the song, I dipped her back and planted one on her. We then returned to our seats laughing at how on earth the guy messed that one up so badly. They then wanted to know what anniversary it was for us. We looked at each other and I finally held up my index finger to signify it was anniversary one (in my head, I was thinking that it was anniversary NEGATIVE ONE, but who needs to be so technical). I wondered what the audience must have thought as they may have seen our hands lacking any sort of wedding bands. After the play had ended, we worked our way back to the car. A young couple congratulated us and complimented us on our dancing skills. It was at this point that we made the conscious decision to celebrate our anniversary like any other, normal married couple would...............yes, that's right we drove around and talked and then I dropped her off at her house by 10:15PM so she wouldn't be tired for work. I should be offended that no one remembered our anniversary, especially our first one at that! The only people that seemed to care were a bunch of strangers in a theater. If I hadn't have had such a good time, it would be harder for me to forgive, but this time I am letting everyone off the hook. We also laughed about how funny it would have been if anyone in either of our wards or in our circle of friends would have been there for our "celebration." Alas, I still feel that it is special that I could share this most memorable anniversary with all of you.

Hello Jerry, Hello Newman!

Ashley and I went out on our normal date night (Monday). We walked around downtown and did some stuff here and there. Afterwards, we wanted to just get some good dessert somewhere. Late on a Monday night there doesn't seem to be a million places open. There was one, however. We went to the Salt Lake Roasting Co. We had heard they have great desserts, and we were not disappointed. Just to clarify, no I still have never had so much as a sip of coffee, and I still hate the smell of it. Therefore, it is NOT a temptation. I got the fruit flan and Ashley got some great concoction of a cake. We sat outside (so I wouldn't have to smell the coffee) and talked and even people watched. Suddenly, I turned to Ashley and asked that she remove the camera from her purse. She obliged. I instantly started snapping away at a man inside the cafe. Now, you all know why I did.................

Yes, that's right. It is indeed "Newman" from Seinfeld. Okay, so it might not have been THE "Newman," but I would love to see anyone find someone who looks more like Newman than this guy. As he talked, he even seemed to have a lot of his mannerisms. I wonder if this guy just happens to deliver mail for a living. HMMMM.......... As I was saying, thank goodness there are only a select number of places to go, late on a Monday night........

P.S. THERE ARE MANY NEW POSTS BELOW. I HAVE GIVEN MY BLOG ITS BI-MONTHLY UPDATE. JUST THINK, IT WAS NOT LONG AGO THAT PEOPLE WERE COMMENTING ON ME BLOGGING MORE THAN ANYONE THEY KNOW.

Amused by Wierdos

EXAMPLE #1
THE SITUATION: This would be a picture of some one's fence. I could not fit the whole thing on the frame of my camera phone, but as you can somewhat read, it says the following: "PLEASE Do Not Write." This is followed by some wanna be thug writing: "OK!"

MY TAKE: Isn't the point of not wanting graffiti is that it makes your fence/property look trashy. I mean is it really what is written on it that is the problem? I am thinking it is more of an issue that it does not enhance the beauty and go with the surroundings of your property. Maybe that is just me. On the other hand, I can see a frustrated homeowner having enough and just finally declaring that it is his freaking fence and if anyone is going to tag it, by George, he is going to be the first!


EXAMPLE #2

THE SITUATION: As I was driving around for work, I noticed a lemonade stand. What was different about this lemonade stand is that it was by a local high school, and put on by that school's cheerleaders. The bigger thing I noticed is that there were all of these 30+ men pulled over, standing around the table, talking to the cheerleaders, and drinking lemonade.

MY TAKE: Why not just call it the pervert lemonade stand? I mean I would have taken a picture, but I couldn't because I was driving. I would have circled back, but then I could be considered one of them! I can only imagine what these losers were saying to these illegal teens. I came up with some possible conversation: "I know your boyfriend has a car, but I have two cars, a wife, three kids, two dogs, a mortgage, and twice as many years under my belt. Don't you think I am by far the better catch?" Or what were these girls thinking? "Dear Diary, today I met a bunch of guys my Dad's age. I know it is funny, but I thought his ten year old minivan and wing tipped shoes were sort of attractive. Does that make me weird?"

What do I really think? Here goes:

1. Seriously cheerleader girls, a freaking lemonade stand? I mean come on, is that really profitable? What on earth were you thinking? Did your coach approve it, and better yet did your parents approve it? How would your Dad really feel, to know that possibly his co-workers or friends would be purchasing something from you on a street corner. I think any minor over the age of 12 selling lemonade on the street corner, may get too comfortable and sell other things on a street corner one day. I am just saying!
2. Perverted forty year old men: GO HOME! You are the biggest whack jobs in society. Go home before we throw you on the sex offender's list. You shame every other, normal man alive!
3. If you happen to be married to a decent man, do not treat him like a freak. Just because there are pervert freaks in our gender, does not make him one. Instead, hold him close and appreciate him for not being one of those losers.

EXAMPLE #3

Dear Guy in the green 4RUNNER on Tuesday night on I-215,

As you may remember from driver's education classes, it is okay for someone to pass you when you are going slow. Doing 60 mph in the fast lane at 9:30PM is usually frowned upon. It is perfectly natural for someone like me to want to pass you on the right when you will not move. A good indication that you are going too slow is when you see a minivan in your rear view mirror coming up quickly. It is not appropriate to swerve and cut them off when they can only pass you on the right. It is further not appropriate for you to give me the Hawaiian good luck sign with your middle finger after YOU have cut ME off. This practice is not only unacceptable, it is also illogical. While your bad driving can only be topped by your bad manners, I want to thank you. You see, every time some whack job like you does some weird, obscene thing, it only gives me blogging material. This behavior only causes me to laugh about what kind of weirdos we really have in the world, and how illogical their actions can be. So, thank you very much.

Sincerely,

Kent

P.S. I apologize if you were not really giving the Hawaiian good luck sign. If you swerved and then stuck your hand up to compare who has a bigger finger, I am sorry I misunderstood. Just so you know, I won that competition. When you stuck that puny finger in the air, I could barely make it out. My hands are way bigger then yours brother!

Been Behind in Blogging

I truly and humbly apologize for being so far behind in my blogging. It was not until today, a full WEEK later, that I am posting about the happenings of last weekend. I do not know if you can forgive me, but I want to make things right. In the subsequent posts below, I have included information, pictures, and videos that you may find useful, helpful, and informative. In this post, I also included this video. I do this with the hope of it helping in your ability to open your heart and forgive me. So, I would just like to once again ask your forgiveness.

Yes, this post is directed right at you. Yes, you, the person in Kent, Washington, who thinks this blog may have something to do with his city. May the heavens shine down upon you for being my one and only, ever loyal, reader. You so willingly give up so much of your valuable time to read something everyone else (including me) considers SO boring! So, here is a big thanks from me to you, Ben Dover!

Screwed!

Yesterday afternoon, I had just pulled back into work, to get more orders, to take care of more patients. In a matter of about three minutes, my beautiful new Goodyear Integrity front tire gave up being a new, buff, hulk-like, strong, man tire. It instead decided to become a flabby and lifeless couch potato of a tire. It seems the tire had literally been screwed. I had just been talking with a friend the day before about tires. I expressed that some people seem to be prone to flat tires. I told them that I had been very lucky and had probably not had a flat tire in about 10 years. Even then, I have only had one in my whole driving career (despite driving on some pretty worn tires). I guess that is what I get for opening my big mouth!
The plot thickens: I had a fairly easy time getting 4 of the 5 lug nuts off. The last one seemed pretty stiff. I gave the crowbar quite a bit more pressure, and then SNAP! Nope, it didn't instantly become lose (well, I guess it depends on your definition). Instead, I broke the whole bolt that the lug nut screws on to. You can see what is missing in the middle top of the lug nut pattern above. While I had the wheel off, I noticed that the brakes pads probably only had about 1,000 miles left on them (miles I could put on in less than a week). I thought it was funny that my flat tire would occur at my work, considering I am not there for most of my work day. When all of the rest of this stuff happened, it became even more hilarious. So, I put the weenie wheel and the four remaining lug nuts on, and parked the van. I can't wait to get it back in a month or so. Normally these repairs could be done in a day, but the shop we take them to, must be more thorough then most or something. Oh, how I will miss feeling like a soccer Mom, as I drive a big cargo van, until my Caravan is once again road worthy.

Today while I was out and about, I saw this. No, the gold Nissan Altima did not rear-end the red GMC Jimmy. The Jimmy appeared to be out of gas, and they were using the Altima to push this mid-size SUV. How could it get even better you ask? Well, they were trying to push it onto Redwood Road! You know, only one of the busiest roads in the state! I sort of wondered if maybe that was a "special" Altima, that was actually made to push a 4,000 pound SUV. You can imagine my disappointment when I figured out it was not. It was hard to tell, but I used my special detective skills. When I heard the engine screaming, could smell the clutch burning, and the Jimmy only inching forward, my Sherlock Holmes training came back to me. Best of luck with that sweet setup my friends!

Today I went in an apartment building that might have been built before the Salt Lake Temple. The only difference was, that this building has probably received about 1% the maintenance that the temple has. After I spent a couple of minutes, worrying about falling through the stairs, I got quite comfortable. Maybe it wasn't such a bad place after all. But then, as I was leaving, I saw this sweet note on the inside of the front door. I guess as long as everyone follows the note, the place could still be nice. I wonder if they are going to post another note about termites soon. Hmmmm.....

A couple of weeks ago, my Alero flashed this at me! Yep, the old girl just turned 150,000 miles. It still runs really well though (knock on wood), and as long as it does, it is worth keeping. I have owned this baby for a long time, and it has been with me through a lot. I have hardly had to fix anything on it. I have owned it now for six years and it has continually soldiered right along. I have tried to treat it well, and it has rewarded me numerous times over. I really have loved owning and driving this car. While I am a car nut, I also am pretty practical. Therefore, I cannot really come up with a compelling reason to ditch my paid off car that runs fine, for a new car and payment book. So, baby, here is to another 300,000 miles AT LEAST!..........OR........to me winning the lottery and buying the whole fleet of dream vehicles I would like to own.

It Can't Wait One Week?

I am all scheduled to have my tonsils and adenoids removed Wednesday June 24th. I have had this appointment for over a month now. On Sunday, the 7th I got strep once again. I was really ticked because I figured I was so close to the surgery that I should not get strep anymore. At the time, I talked the doctor into giving me enough antibiotics to last me up until surgery. He was more than happy to oblige. Fast forward to yesterday. I have been taking the medicine exactly as I should for the last ten days. I have slowly just felt worse, not better. I felt like my throat was closing off, my body ached, and if anyone has had a more difficult time swallowing, I pity them with every fiber of my being. I went to the doctor. Here's the verdict: Apparently my body has developed a resistance to the antibiotics, so they were not killing the strep at all. Because of all of this, my tonsils have started to swell (and even bleed a little) to the point that it is starting to close off my throat. So, he gave me a shot of a really strong antibiotic. He then gave me another antibiotic in pill form. Finally, he gave me a steroid to bring down the swelling in my tonsils. SERIOUSLY?!!!! I am a week away from the surgery and my tonsils decide to pull this? They really are sick; in every sense of the word! I have never thought I could be so excited to have surgery in my life, but I am. All of this is ridiculous! To anyone who gets strep more than 4 times in one year or 6 times in two years, every ENT in the country will recommend you have your tonsils removed. Also, unlike what past doctors have told me, the size of your tonsils really has nothing to do with the medical decision to have them removed. Apparently the more you get strep the worse the procedure could possibly be because strep leaves scar tissue. This is all information that would have been helpful to me for, oh, I don't know, the last EIGHT YEARS!! Therefore, I am passing it along. If you do have to get your tonsils removed, look for an ENT who removes them through the process of coblation, as opposed to one who cuts them out or burns them off. After watching some videos, it seems like a way better alternative.

My Special Visitor

A very special visitor has come to see me again. Yep, that is right, my strep throat is back again. If I figure correctly, that makes AT LEAST 8-10 times since January. After six years of these kind of visits, from a friend I really don't care for anyway, I am taking drastic measures. I am having a doctor cut out parts of my body, just to get rid of it. In fact, the surgery has been scheduled since the last time I got strep. It just couldn't resist visiting at least once more. Later this month though, I look forward to going through time off work, a lot of money, and tons of pain in an attempt to rid this friend from my life forever.

Training Day #2

If you have not previously read the original training day, please read that before reading this post, or else this will not make ANY sense to you. Lesbians, lesbians everywhere! Today was day two of my training day with my lesbian friend. We actually are having some fun and it really is not too bad hanging out with her. We have a lot in common, but strictly in a platonic relationship kind of way. We drove all around talking about cars, engines, sports, politics, etc. It is like any typical guy conversation, where every guy tries to "one-up" all the others with some sort of story or another. So, yes, I think it is really pretty cool. I previously stated that I don't care if she is a lesbian or not, but I was missing the boat. I think that she may just turn out to be one of my best guy friends!

Today one of our first stops was to pick-up some equipment from a school. While we were there, we ran into a friend who is ALSO a lesbian! I rarely ever see her, and I didn't know that was her workplace. I kept wondering what the chances were that we three lesbians, could all be hanging out at one place together. Of course, the lesbian I was training only knows that I am a lesbian. She had no idea that the girl we ran into was as well. I sort of felt like I was George on a certain episode of Seinfeld. He basically is trying to prove that he likes black people, so he pays black people to hang out with him in front of another black man. When we got back to the van, I made sure to plug that the friend she just met and her WIFE have a ten year old little girl. The girl I was training, incredulously asked, "her wife, huh?" I said, "yep, they have been together for like fifteen years, they had their daughter through artificial insemination." She replied, "oh, that is cool!" Finally I feel like I have been accepted into the lesbian culture. AND why shouldn't I be?!! I am more lesbian than anyone I know! So, as our day progressed, she actually asked about one of our male co-workers. She said, "what is his story, I mean, he seems to have a 'limp wrist' huh?" If this was anyone that I have known for more than two days, I probably would have faked an offended look on my face and said, "no, I DON'T know what you mean." Instead, I told her that it is possible, but I am 80% sure that the ligaments in his wrist are solid. How is it that she can say something like "limp-wrist" when I have been on guard not to let anything that could even be taken the wrong way slip out of my mouth? Okay, I do have to say that she is very open about being a lesbian. As I said, she is really a cool person, and it is not that bad cruising around all day. We can talk about all the guy/lesbian stuff, like working on cars, fixing stuff, being attracted to women, etc....... I just feel like every day so far has been an education. It has left me wondering just who has been training who......

Training Day

Last Thursday my boss came to me to inform me that I would spend the next couple of months training the new employee who would start the following Tuesday (today). I said, alright, that is fine. I will teach them everything I know, and then if they do the exact opposite, they should know this job perfectly! As the conversation went on, he informed me that they had hired a woman. At this point I had some serious reservations. I asked if she was married. He said, he didn't know because he was not allowed to ask that. I told him that I am not sure I feel comfortable driving all over the state with another woman who I do not know from Adam. I don't feel that I am going to do anything wrong, but the whole thing just makes me very uncomfortable. He tried really hard to assure me........and.......was COMPLETELY unsuccessful. Now, fast-forward to the present. Today is the day that I meet her. She seems nice. I show her all around the warehouse and explain some things to her. While we are going around through the warehouse we meet this particular, single co-worker of mine. He is a great guy, but can be hilarious at times. Let's just say that he seems to be more interested in the new women employees more than the men. So, she stated that she was from California. He started to go into a spiel about how he worked in San Francisco for a while. Just to mess with him (and shew him away), I said, "oh is that when you were a gay male gigolo because you just couldn't get enough of that sweet man love? You only charged each client like a nickel or something, right?" He didn't think it was nearly as funny as everyone else for some reason, but he is a good sport and thought it was somewhat funny nonetheless. Eventually, I am driving in the van with the new girl to Heber to do some work. As we are driving, we are making small talk. I asked her what brought her from California to Utah. She replied that her spouse had brought her here. I asked how long they had been married for. She responded 5 1/2 years. I then asked what her husband did for a living. She replied, "ummmm, I do not have a husband, I have a wife." At first I thought she must be joking, but I held my tongue. Nope, she was not joking. In fact, towards the end of the shift she showed me pictures on her camera phone from when they got married.

After the whole experience, I decided the following things:

1. I know plenty of gay/lesbian people, and I really could care less. So, it really does not matter to me whether she is lesbian or not. I found her to be a nice person and it was not too bad to hang out with her for the day......
2. However, I wish I would have known that she was lesbian before I gave the guy in the warehouse a hard time about San Francisco and man love. I never cease to amaze myself with just how many times I can actually shove my size 15 foot in my mouth. I must have a mouth like Elastagirl from "The Incredibles" or something.
3. Finding out she was lesbian was actually reassuring. It eased my mind for the awkwardness from any significant other, and did not make me feel quite so nervous.
4. I am really a people person, but I think I like my alone time in the van far more than I really realize.
5. Not all lesbians are really unattractive as I previously thought. I am not saying that I was mesmerized by this women's beauty or anything, but she was a far cry from any lesbian I have personally known before.
6. Windshield wipers that bend and break in a down pour are not at all cool, especially when I am planning on a sunny day and have to get out to fix said windshield wipers.
7. Driving all around up and around Heber is pretty sweet. If only every day included a relaxing drive such as that.
8. Lesbians often drive really nice trucks......I wish I had a really nice truck. I guess they also drive a ton of Subaru wagons, so maybe I should not let my envy get the best of me.
9. This one I may have known deep down for a while, but I can now admit it freely. I am a lesbian. Yes, it's true! I am attracted only to females, and since that seems to be the main criteria, I must declare to the world that "I AM A LESBIAN!" ---now I wonder if I can march in those lesbian pride parades with all of the other people.
10. I apparently can spell "gigolo" correctly, because the spell checker did not flag it as incorrect.
11. There is something about riding around with a person who shares the same first name as your x-wife that is really weird.

The Miss Piggy Flu

Anyone reading this may not know what the "Miss Piggy Flu" is. That is my own special name for the H1N1 virus, or the swine flu. Have I contracted it? No. Besides, even if I was heavily exposed to it, my body would just think it was strep throat anyway. If you have no idea what I am talking about, you either don't know me well, or haven't been reading the blog long....or both. Today I went to work and they informed me that since I had been fitted for my own respirator, that I was to see our very first miss piggy flu patient. Let me tell you how much the excitement overwhelmed me: anyone hear crickets chirping? Anyway, I reminded them that the respirator only truly seals if the person is freshly shaven, and I did not shave this morning. I told them that if they wanted me to see this patient, they would have to send me en route to my house to shave. I further told them that if she coughed once while I was there, they would have to pay for me to stop back home to shower afterwards. This is on top of being triple gloved, wearing a full gown and booties, and my special respirator. My manager agreed, but I think it was only after I asked him if he wanted to come with me.

After shaving at home, I called the patient. I told them that I was headed there and that she was reported to have contracted the swine flu. She said, "yeah, but I barely have it anymore. My biggest problem now is the pneumonia that I have contracted." Excuse me, pneumonia too? Oh, happy day, I can't wait. Maybe when I get done, I could have an unprotected evening with a street walker on state street. I mean enough already! Why does everyone hate me so?!! Also, lady, you either have the miss piggy flu or you don't. There is no "barely" have it on the scale. I told her that because of our policies in maintaining all of our patients health, I would be coming in full protective gear. She annoying said, "that is fine."

Waaaaaay too quickly I was parked in front of her home. I took my sweet time getting on one set of gloves. Then I put on my gown and tightly fastened the velcro. I then put on the booties, and another two sets of gloves. I then fitted my respirator around my fat little face. I was ready for battle against miss piggy and all of her H1N1 demons........as well as the bacterial pneumonia! I hoped to demonstrate the equipment as much as possible, outside, on the porch. Apparently this woman was confined to bed, so I was not so lucky. I was very polite as I demonstrated all of the equipment, even though my head was counting the seconds I had been in her home. While she didn't say much about it, she seemed REALLY annoyed that I would wear all of the stuff in her house. At one point she told me that I would just have to wait and explain all of this stuff to her son. She said, "you can wait outside if you are so scared." I explained that I would go ahead and wait outside. I then told her that the reason we take so many precautions is that we can not afford to jeopardize the health of other patients, particularly with so many immune-compromised patients on our service. She said, "I understand, it just seems like a little much." I sort of left it at that in our conversation. The people chatting inside my head were saying, "clearly you don't understand lady, or you would NOT think that it was a little much. Also, while I don't think I would really DIE of the miss piggy flu, nothing about being sick for 3 weeks, and making my family and people around me sick sounds really awesome to me. But, that is just the FREAKS talking inside my head. What do they know? Finally, after about 20 minutes my ordeal was over. I carefully put all of the items, including my clipboard and pen into a bio hazard bag, and said a silent prayer that I would never have to do this again. I also said a little prayer that all of the protective gear worked well and that I too will not fall subject to miss piggy. I found out later that the reason I was chosen as the first to receive the respirator is because I am almost always (except today) clean shaven. Looks like it is time to grow a Brigham Young style beard...........OR.......hope that next time I can go to a patient with active tuberculosis or something! I can't believe more people are not jealous of me, I live the life! In the end, it is fine. I am sure I did not contract the miss piggy flu. Now, if only I could figure out why I have been snorting like a pig half the day, my life would be perfect.

IN OTHER WEIRD MEDICAL HAPPENINGS.......

• I went to Taco Bell on Tuesday. I ordered my food from a seemingly normal woman in her early 40s. After I got my food and was headed out the door, she asked me if I worked in home health care. Again the people in my head wanted to say one of two things: 1. "No, I just really like their shirts and badges" or 2. "No, this is just a Halloween costume." Of course, I wasn't smart enough to actually say those things and get out of the conversation. When I said yes, she went in to this huge story about how she messed up her knee. I thought she was going to say something about how it was so great having a home health care worker to assist her in her time of need. NOPE! She told me how it led to her getting a DUI. She even told me that she passed the breathalyzer test and the blood test, but they still gave her a DUI. THEN! the same officer would always come to Taco Bell and ask her for free drinks. So, let me get this straight. You passed all the legal tests, yet the still gave you a DUI. I didn't think that was possible, but OKAY. Then the officer who threw the book at you and DIDN'T help you out in any way, is asking for free drinks? HMMMMM..... I shouldn't judge, but maybe someone needs to lay off the sauce when they are at work too! I don't know why they would ever give a DUI to her, but more importantly, I still have no idea what the point of her story was. I am sure it has some deep philosophical meaning, it will just take me a long time to decipher the code.


• The other day I had a quick stop where I only had to replenish the IV medicine for a patient who has been on our service for quite some time. As I was getting the things out of the cooler (like I have with her a million times before) she said, "No, no! Come in to give it to me." All of these damn Mormons see you with a cooler and think they have to bring me a meal or something." I tried to joke around by saying, "ah, they are not very good cooks, huh?" She said, "no, all of their food is great, but it also makes me fat!" Three things stood out to me in this situation: #1- I am a "damn Mormon," at least....I think. #2 The medicine this woman is taking is a substance to promote weight gain. She takes it because her body does not maintain her weight on its own. So, my simple brain wonders how exactly their food makes her fat? I mean do they infuse it with some special "damn Mormon" sauce? Wait, I know. She is referencing the scripture about the soul delighting in fatness. Sorry, it just took me a minute. By the way, YES, she was serious! #3-I don't think that my little cooler with medicine is the giveaway for the neighbors. I doubt it, but it might be the enormous van that is plastered like a billboard with its blinkers on parked in front of your house the whole time I am here. But, then again, what do I know?